I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
