in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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