Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
