i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
