party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
