he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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