No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
