so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
