my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
