Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
