Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we made out on top of his cat.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
