what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
