no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
