Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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