1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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