Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
