how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
