Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
