I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We talked him into tasing himself.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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