the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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