there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
