Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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