so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
