i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
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The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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