saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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