Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
