but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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