and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
