Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
