I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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