I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
