i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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