I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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