guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
