I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
