1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
