they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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