Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
