I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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