allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
