Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
