The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
