1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
