Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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