i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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