also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
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Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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