Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
