You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
