she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
