I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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