There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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