saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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