I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
