Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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