she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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