Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
