I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
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Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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