I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
