YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Randomize
