Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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