but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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