i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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